If you are worried about reading yet another one of those celebration of love note, don't. I am much too concerned about other things that the thoughts on that issue has yet crystalized. And it's the 14th now. And I'm late. And I'm...ah, too much of a story of my life.
No. This posting is more about how I had spent the past three days in the house with a sick chid on one day, a mountain of laundry another day, and a disability to decide where to go and which errand sounds less painful day.
The problem is now that it's Monday, I have no choice but to get my behind into gear and somehow plough through the day in a somewhat reasonably grown-up way.
It is Monday and I just realized late last night that I have promised my kids' school to come and shoot one of their camp activities. No. Not one. But two. I think they have something to do with making shadow puppets and offerings. Wait...maybe it was clay-making. I seriously think that kids are better off to be trained in making THEMSELVES motivated than making any of these things. Sigh.
What can I say. I'm one of those that once you let me lay low, it is gonna take an elephant to pick me up. And I don't have any coffee left in the house. And I've been up since 4 am this morning. And I have been spending the past hour trying to NOT miss my coffee. Telling myself that I can survive without it.
I'm rambling. No points are being made here. I am trying. But maybe I need to find my coffee first!
Phuih. Now that the coffee maker is on, I find the whizzing sound soothing. It promises a better morning.
SO, thank you for your patience waiting for my brain to kick start. What I was trying to tell you is what the past three days of immobility is making me think about.
Someone has asked me how much I love myself. Maybe the way is was asked that made it so offensive. But I growled at the question. Of course, I love myself! Or do I really?
I've witnessed women who would tell stories in tears of their husbands asking them to put on make-up before leaving the house. How offensive. What is he trying to say? Is he saying that he is embarrassed of you?
The thing is, YOU may want to put on make up too, right? But now that he's said it, every time you stand in front of that mirror to put on anything on your bare face, it felt like an effort to be accepted. And we, women of the 20th century don't do that, right? Not when we know someone else is watching, that is.
Shouldn't we be loved for who we are the way we came? The answer is yes. But would it be possible that maybe when we feel good about ourselves, it would be to our advantage too?
I'm still debating the answers. But what I had to come to realize these past few days is when the kids were born, I felt such tremendous pressure. I have no faith in my ability to raise any living being. The image of the dead plants on the window sill haunted me. The competitive motherhood sport also soon took control. And in the process, while I'm getting more confident that my kids are growing beautifully and as I'm also getting better at playing the "competitive-motherhood-sport", I realized that the "Self" was lost in the process. Not completely perhaps, but it is more than fair to say that it'd been forgotten.
I forgot what it feels like to take a super long shower, a day in the salon, or a day of self pampering feels like. I forgot what it feels like to be twitter-patted about an event and spending months thinking about what to wear and or what look to sport. (remember the highschool ball? your wedding?) yeah...the wedding was the last one.
And it also doesn't help that the years is starting to leave marks and traces of where I've been and what I've gone through.
And the spiral continues....downward...The only way there is....
So, I am dreading this Monday as it reminds me of my own promise to myself to love myself. While the sentence might sound silly and simple, it is one of the biggest block that had kept me in bed lying in denials fighting my every limbs to get up. (That and the fact that those comforter is soooo huggable in the early hours of the morning!)
Wish me luck!
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